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Thursday, June 11, 2009

HOM: Playing Footsy With My Mouth

I have this cool Andy Capp cartoon that shows him flat on his back with stars revolving around his head, obviously recovering from a blow. The caption says "I am full of witty little things best left unsaid!" Me too. Some of the wisecracks are intentional. The hoary old question/answer: "Do you have any books on antiques?" "No, they are all on plain pine shelving." The related: "Do you have any books on horses?" "No, they won't stand still." "Kalispell", as a response when someone is filling out a check, and pauses to ask "Where Am I?" The reply "A book", when someone brings up an obscure volume and asks "What is this?" I did quit saying "As large and as often as possible" when someone asked if I took checks. For whatever reason, that offended more folks than any of my other wisecracks. There was the lady that asked "Do you have 'Undaunted Courage'?" and I replied that I was a total wimp. For some reason, she thought that was hilarious. On the flip side, there was the lady that walked in & said "I'm looking for 'Ragtime'." I had a copy of it on the counter, so I picked it up and said "By Doctorow! Yes, I do!" She gave me a withering look and said "I meant the antique store!" Yeah, it was two blocks down the street. The unintended ones that slip out while the brain is out of gear are worse . . . There was the young, pretty, well-built & scantily clad young tourist lady that wandered in. When I asked if I could help her, she said she was just looking. "Me too!" came out before I could get it stopped. There was the little old lady who dropped off a bunch of plastic sacks for me to use. (I recycle them.) "I hope you don't mind my stopping by to do this" she said. "Oh, I ALWAYS appreciate old bags" was my immediate response. Ouch. And then there was the time . . . um . . . Never mind! Anyway, if the vet could inoculate ME against Hoof & Mouth disease like she does cows, I'd make an appointment. It would save a lot of needling and me a lot of pain. TBC (Me) (Blacktail Books)